Transcript of G-20 off-the-record meeting between Russian President-for-life Vladimir Putin and Useful Idiot, current American President Donald J. Trump:
Trump: Excuse me, Vladimir. Can I have a word with you?”
Russian Translator: Pardon me, Your Excellency. Your obsequious, naive puppet would like to smooch your royal derriere.
Putin: Bring him on. He is such a ridiculous buffoon. He doesn’t even have his own translator with him. This will be a turkey shoot.
Russian Translator: (to Trump) President Putin is honored to sit with you and share our common goals.
Trump: Thank you, Vlad. I’m glad that you and I can be such good, close, manly bros — when all these other so-called world leaders have such unfair suspicions about our legitimate, manly, soul-man bond.
Russian Translator: (To Putin) Mr. Trump has totally taken the bait. He has no clue that we are America’s enemy. Either that, or he’s even more naïve than we imagined he might be.
Putin: Tell the great orange ass that I think his wife is a fine example of Eastern European womanhood – and that he’s a moron.
Russian Translator: I can’t tell him that, your Excellency.
Putin: Fine, just tell him to sit down and share my dessert.
Russian Translator: Please sit down and share dessert with his Excellency.
Trump: Goody. I love dessert. Are we having a beautiful chocolate cake? Like the cake I served Japan’s Shinzo Abe at Mar-a-Lago?
Russian Translator: (To Putin) Is this like the cake at Mar-a-Lago?
Putin: I wouldn’t wipe my yagoditsy with any cake at Mar A Lago…
Russian Translator: I can’t tell him that sir…
Trump: Of course not. Tell the egotistical oaf what he wants to hear.
Russian Translator: President Putin hopes that you will enjoy your dessert as much as the guests at your fine hotel, Mar-a-Lago, enjoy their sumptuous desserts.
Putin: (To translator) That’s laying it on a little too thick….
Russian Translator: Of course, sir. (To Trump) President Putin would like to move beyond cake – and deal with more substantive issues.
Trump: Of course! Forget all the delicious, rich and tasty cake. Let’s talk about what exactly you guys want for putting me in office.
Russian Translator: (To Putin) This doofus is being way, way too obvious about the game we’re playing…
Putin: Just tell him that his wife is calling him – and he has to spend time with her or people will talk. Is she calling over to him? Kakogo cherta! Is Melania even here?
Russian Translator: She’s trying to avoid him. She just ducked under the table next to the wife of the French President.
Putin: He’s such a loser. Why did we bet on this jerk?
Russian Translator: He really loves you, sir. He’s truly one of your biggest fans. (To Trump) President Putin is pleased to have you join him.
Trump: I’m so glad we can spend this terrific time together…
Russian Translator: (To Putin) Be careful, sir. He can’t be as stupid as he seems…
Putin: Maybe not. But he’s certainly as boring as possible…
Trump: Have I ever told you about my hole-in-one at my golf course in Scotland?
Russian Translator: (To Putin) He’s yanking stuff out his yagoditsy, sir…
Putin: O Bozhe. Be careful what you seek. You may, unfortunately, get what you want. And what you wanted may turn out to be too big a clown to be useful.
Russian Translator: (To Putin) What should I tell him?
Putin: Tell him we’re on his side. And make sure we’ve recorded this conversation.