Tag Archives: Abigail Adams

In The Practical Theatre Company’s most recent comedy revue, Quick! Before We’re Cancelled!, we imagined what the brilliant and fearlessly opinionated Abigail Adams might have to say to her husband John and his patriot pal Thomas Jefferson regarding the newly-written Constitution of the United States of America. It’s a sitcom circa 1787 entitled…

“OH, ABIGAIL!”

MUSIC: Harpsichord: “Yankee Doodle”

IT’S THE FALL OF 1787, FOUR YEARS AFTER OUR NATION HAS WON ITS INDEPENDENCE. THE CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION HAS JUST FINISHED DRAFTING THE DOCUMENT THAT WILL BE OUR DEMOCRATIC TEMPLATE FOR THE NEXT 238 YEARS.

WE TAKE YOU NOW TO THE HOME OF JOHN AND ABIGAIL ADAMS, WHO ARE HOSTING THOMAS JEFFERSON FOR A CELEBRATORY DINNER.

ADAMS:         A toast, my dear Thomas! Here’s to our new Constitution! The ink is barely dry on it – but ‘tis done at last!

ABIGAIL ENTERS, CARRYING A SHEAF OF PARCHMENT.

ABIGAIL:        Ahem… Excuse me, please….

BEAT. JEFFERSON DOES A SPIT TAKE.

JEFFERSON:  Do you mean to say that you’ve read our Constitution?

ABIGAIL:        Of course I have! I read everything that John brings home.

ADAMS:         So, that’s where my copy went!

JEFFERSON:  Your copy? Good heavens man, that’s the only copy!

ABIGAIL PRODUCES THE DOCUMENT, PUTS ON HER READING GLASSES.

ADAMS:         Oh, Abigail, we’ve no need of further comment…

ABIGAIL:        (IGNORING HER HUSBAND) What, pray tell, might happen if an unscrupulous, mendacious and avaricious man should occupy the office of President, taking unto himself powers not anticipated in your sacred constitution and make of himself a despot — seeking to accrue ever more power and wealth unto himself?

JEFFERSON:  Well said, John! The noble virtues and innate wisdom of our rustic electorate are a bulwark against the rise of despotism and tyranny!

ADAMS:         Thomas is right, Abigail. Can you imagine that men who have just fought a revolution to throw off the yolk of royal subjugation would ever submit to a grasping despot as their President?

ABIGAIL:        I only ask you to consider a scenario in which a narcissistic, manipulative scoundrel seduces our rustic electorate with vague appeals to greatness and disingenuous promises of security and prosperity.

ADAMS:         Oh, Abigail! ‘Tis the very reason we have designed a system of checks and balances

JEFFERSON:  Three co-equal branches of government!

ADAMS & JEFFERSON:    The Legislative, The Executive and the Judicial!

ADAMS:         The wise men of the Courts and the Congress would no doubt rise to meet the moment.

JEFFERSON:  And vigorously affirm their Constitutional authority!

ADAMS:         Should this soulless mountebank that you describe attempt such a perfidious scheme, he would be promptly impeached by the steadfast men of the House of Representatives!

JEFFERSON:  And convicted by the temperate and sagacious men of the Senate!

ABIGAIL:        But sirs. You have apportioned the seats in the House of Representatives based on the state’s population.

ADAMS:         Of course. ‘Tis only fair.

ABIGAIL:        And yet you’ve designated two Senators for each-and-every state, no matter the size of its population?

JEFFERSON:  ‘Tis fair and balanced, is it not?

ABIGAIL:        States with so few people they have just one House Member get two Senators? Do the math! It’s an undemocratic disaster!

ADAMS AND JEFFERSON LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

JEFFERSON:  That might have been the night we drank all that port.

JEFFERSON:  Lifetime appointments insulate the Justices from the petty politics of the day.

ABIGAIL:        But suppose this Supreme Court becomes so corrupt that it takes bribes from wealthy benefactors and goes so far as to grant the sitting President immunity for crimes committed while in office?

ADAMS & JEFFERSON:    Hahahahaha!

ABIGAIL:        But gentlemen…!

ADAMS:         Fear not, Abigail! The court shall be made up of landed, well-educated men of impeccable judgement. Such men would never put personal or parochial interests above the good of the nation…

JEFFERSON:  Why, if the court ever gave the President immunity, that would make him, in effect, a King!

ADAMS:         Precisely what American patriots rejected on bloody battlefields from Lexington to Yorktown!

JEFFERSON:  To our great victory! And the brave men who fought and died for it!

ADAMS:         Hear! Hear!

ABIGAIL:        With respect, gentlemen, I worry that your Constitution as written relies too much on Civic Virtue as a Moral Compass. If you would form a lasting, egalitarian government, binding us to lofty ideals that will inspire generations to come — you may need a rewrite.

ADAMS:         My Abigail may overstate the case, Thomas, but perhaps ‘tis better we take another whack, what say?

JEFFERSON:  Why not let Abigail have at it? She’s proven so adept at pointing out the flaws in our Constitution – I’m sure we’d all like to hear her proposed solutions! If, that is, she has any.

ABIGAIL:        Well, I do have one suggestion that may improve your document and add to its democratic vision.

ADAMS AND JEFFERSON LOOK AT ABIGAIL.

ADAMS:         And what is that, my dear?

A BEAT.                 

ABIGAIL:        Give women the right to vote!